It's good to be back....

So....my dear, poor neglected blog. I am back to populate you with words & thoughts and show you a little love. You're a little droopy and forlorn, but we'll get you back in shape in no time.
Yeah, I've been absent. 2013 wrapped wretchedly; my father passed in the wee hours of September 9th of Myelofibrosis with myself, my sister and my mother at his side. It was difficult, as death is, but not unexpected. My own grief took a long time to grapple with, but as someone who does process work for a living, I continually do my own work as well.

The grief counseling I did prior to my father's passing, and the grief counseling I did following it--as well as regular attendance at the Kaiser Hospice Bereavement Group helped me enormously. There is real comfort in being with a group of people who know and understand loss.

Unfortunately, a week and a half after the memorial service, just as I was preparing to resume my life as a Higher Education coach at InsideTrack, my mother's heart went into A-fib and threw off a clot which lodged in her upper left thigh, resulting in a transfemoral (above-knee) amputation of her left leg.

To say I was in shock was an understatement. Perhaps at some point I will publish the personal essay I composed about that whole transitional period of my life.

Long story short, my mother has exceptional coping skills, has done a lot of work on herself, and is incredibly resilient. Today, after months in a rehabilitative skilled nursing facility, she is back at home, has a prosthetic, and recently walked up and down a 24-stair flight (required by her physical therapist, who doesn't take no for an answer). She is just as poised and elegant and put together as she was prior to losing her leg. And she laughs when she's referred to as a gimp.

We have all adjusted. Life throws you curveballs, and either you acknowledge 'em, or get pretty brutally slammed in the face. Or both. But life doesn't stop when stuff happens. It really is what we do with it all that counts.
And of course, recovery tools were my friend during all this--the slogan, "One Day at a Time" has never been more pertinent.
So I'm back, my blog is back, and just because my cats were such a comfort to me during all that loss and transition, I'm including a picture of them here, lounging on their various trees (Abby is the big girl, Audrey is staring into the camera).
Yeah. It's good to be back.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes......

My goodness, it's been a while. No two ways about it.

The last time I posted was just prior to my accepting a full-time Executive Coaching gig with Inside Track here in Portland on April 30th, 2012--nearly 10 months ago!

Many things have changed since then. Professionally, I moved from coaching students with DeVry Online to coaching students with Cal State Online (the new online initiative for Cal State University students--very exciting!) On a personal note, I moved into a new living space in December--not my preferred month to move, for obvious reasons, but I've moved enough to know that you gotta strike when the opportunity presents itself when a new place comes up that suits your personal criteria. There's a story here.

As a coach, I'm lucky to be equipped with a personal toolbox that enables me to "self-coach" as necessary. I'd wanted to move for quite some time, but the momentum simply wasn't there. So I did a values assessment and got very clear on what the most important top 3 criteria in a new space would be for me; the ability to walk to work was basically number one (cat-friendly & wood floors, as well as non-smoking, were right up there, too).

As soon as I had that personal "Aha!," I found a place that afforded me a lovely, relaxing, centering 35-minute walk to work in the morning (and, as it stays lighter longer, in the early evening, as well). It fell into place very swiftly and easily. Clarifying our values really does charge up our momentum and enable us to gain a LOT of clarity & understanding about the direction we should be heading.

Also on the personal front, I've been supporting my sister and mother as they are the primary caregivers for my father, who is managing Myelofibrosis, a rather nasty/energy-sapping chronic form of Leukemia that involves a lot of hospital trips for transfusions. This is where my (12-step) program comes in handy--in the face of a chronic cancer, all we are truly able to do is take things One Day at a Time.

I've had to be conscious of my own self-care in the midst of so much transition, which involves (yes) those morning walks, enough sleep, acupuncture, and cooking healthfully, as well as my own process work for grief issues when they come up.  And I love holiday goodies and indulged this past season with gusto, understanding intrinsically that it's a moment in time and a celebration that feels good to participate in (and no, I am not one to turn down the gift of Greek Butter Cookies when a friend gives me a homemade box of them!) BUT I do begin feeling the effects of so much toothsomeness, so returning to my vegan/vegetarian home-cooked meals (with very little sugar) has been the best resolution for returning to functional normalcy. The better diet also helps those little pings and pangs that come along with being 47 and starting to feel the (really weird) effects of (sigh!) perimenopause.

At this point, I'm mostly moved in, the cats are enjoying my new futon sofa (or should I say, "THEIR" futon sofa!), it's a sunny but chilly January Monday (MLK Day & Obama's inaugural), and a good day to catch you all up on my months-long quietness.

I hope your holidays were lovely and peaceful, and that you set some great GOALS for the New Year!

See you in February. Stay warm. Peace.

~Caitlin, Embody Life Coaching

Better Late than Never...

...or a few thoughts on being a Late Bloomer.

We've turned the corner from Winter into Spring (though in the Pacific NW, Spring really DOES come in like the proverbial lion--and I'm hoping it will go out quietly, smoothly, and meekly, like the proverbial lamb, cause the gray weather, blowy wind and slamming sheets of rain can be difficult to take day after day!) and tiny Spring flowers are abundant, poking their little yellow daffodil and white & lavender crocus heads up through the (very wet) earth. Which reminds me of blooming--or blooming LATE, as the case may be.
We live in a "hurry-up" culture and as such, our expectations for our personal timelines are often  unrealistically accelerated. Sure, there are virtuosos who finish college when they're 10 or have the vocal pipes of Pavarotti by the time they're seventeen, but they're truly the exception rather than the rule.
We tend to compare ourselves to others who already seem to be doing the things we think WE should be doing--finishing degrees, finding mates, embarking on lucrative careers, welcoming fame, honing phenomenal talent, getting published, reinventing their lives by dropping 50 pounds and making themselves over physically--whatever they're doing or whatever they seem to have ALREADY, we tell ourselves we "should" be there, too.
We "should" have it. Be it. Do it. Get it. Live it.
As a teen, I used to think I was peculiar because I physically developed later than my sister and a lot of other girls in school, and I carried my insecurities about my physical self around with me for years, long after I'd caught up with my peers. But by then I'd made myself miserable, clinging to an obsolete self-image that managed to find its way into other areas of my life.
All this thinking does is set us up for paralysis and misery, because it has nothing to do with us.

Sure, we can take stock of another person's life to gain inspiration for our own, but actually comparing ourselves is damaging. Who they are, what they're doing, what they have and how they got there is unique to them. Physically, they have different DNA. Career-wise, perhaps they had the support (financial, emotional), the inspiration, the drive, the talent, the curiosity, the self-awareness, the stroke of serendipity to get them where they are RIGHT NOW, while for others of us, it takes longer to glean a more complete picture of who we are, what we want, and where we're going. Generally, it takes growth in the form of years, emotional maturity (simply put, we need to "grow up"), reflection from trusted others, trial and error, and simply experiencing life to figure our paths out. That's most of us.
Hence the "Midlife Crisis," which, I believe, is generally just a (sometimes inconvenient but no less relevant) "waking up" to our potential before all of our years slip away for good.
We all have a timeline that we're asked, in some way, to surrender to (no, we can't control the Universe, try as we might!) and we are all gifted. It just takes time to identify, nurture and grow those gifts. Just like the Spring bulbs that remain dormant in the chilly earth and bloom with the warming of the seasons.
We bloom when we bloom. The trick is to keep moving forever FORWARD, keep feeding our talents, our curiosity, our gifts, keep showing up for OURSELVES and stop "should-ing" on ourselves--that's simply an energy leak. Personal empowerment involves managing our own side of the street, and time spent comparing and fretting over someone else's physical or professional progress is time unwisely spent. We all have our own blueprint and we learn our own unique lessons on our own unique timeline, so that we may ultimately offer our (unique) gifts fully and confidently to the world.
Or as Oscar Wilde is quoted as saying, "Be yourself, because everyone else is taken."

Friends vs. Coaches

Sometimes, when a potential client is talking to me on the phone, thinking out loud about the benefits of coaching and if those benefits outweigh the investment in time, energy and-yes-money, they'll mention that they often seek the counsel of their friends, enjoying long conversations about their lives, their concerns, the confusion dotting their personal landscapes. They love their friends, and from what I gather, their friends love them back-and serve a very important purpose: they're sounding boards.
We turn to our friends when life starts feeling overwhelming, or a little rough, or a little frustrating, or a little (or a LOT) sad. We turn to friends to celebrate our successes-to hold our hands (emotionally, and even literally) when we're anxious about something. We rely on our friends to be there for us throughout life's transitions, to hold space for our stories without judging (too harshly, if at all), and to tell us everything's going to be okay.
Or even just to listen, with no feedback whatsoever. Just to listen. Just to receive.
And yes, that is invaluable. That is precious. That is to be celebrated. It's a natural response.

But it's not the same as coaching.
Life Coaches listen, yes. We never judge. And while we are sometimes considered "cheerleaders" and naturally hold gentle space for your highest aspirations and biggest dreams, we don't necessarily tell you everything's going to be okay. We assume it will be-and we help you fortify your own inner strength, resources and resolve so that you KNOW-unequivocally, with every cell of your being-that "it" (whatever "it" is) WILL be okay. Because that deep inner knowledge is what will continually fuel your desire to succeed, to achieve, and to meet your long-held goals and dreams head-on, come what may.
Yes, we listen to your frustrations-and help you think of solutions so that you may begin to experience less frustration.
Life Coaches are an "objective other"-professionals trained to listen in a special way so that our feedback is always meaningful, constructive and motivating. We come armed with coaching tools & a sense of compassion, but don't know anything about our clients' lives prior to their soliciting us for our services beyond what our clients choose to share with us as we get to know them better. Life Coaches are working with an otherwise blank slate, and as our clients begin to illuminate their lives, we begin developing a complete picture of the person with whom we're speaking, and offer guidance based on that.
Our friends, on the other hand, may have years of history with us, which is why their feedback is often not objective. They may reply to us by saying things such as, "But you ALWAYS say that" or "you ALWAYS wanted to do that" or "You ALWAYS talk about x-y-z" which isn't helpful to us if what we're wanting is something more constructive. It may make us feel uneasy, embarrassed, confused, unaccomplished.
A Life Coach might say, "What do you think is keeping you from meeting that goal right now?" There is nothing accusatory-just gently questioning.
And in this way, the Life Coach enables the client to begin unraveling the knots in her life and move down the road, identifying stopping blocks on her path and putting them aside for good so that her dreams may finally come into clear focus and become realized in her lifetime.
There should be no question that our friends want the best for us (if we question this, we need to ask ourselves why they're still our friends!), but we must remember that they also have their OWN lives & dreams to manage/nurture/explore/grow. It's not realistic to expect our friends to want to invest a huge amount of time in our own lives-that's OUR "side of the street" to manage. That's our work.  Our friends may care, but it's up to US to care MORE.
So our friends will always serve a very meaningful purpose in our lives, and we love them for that.
But for deeper work, transformational work, truly life-changing work that allows us to examine our limiting beliefs and become unstuck, a professional Life Coach-who will listen objectively for an hour as you speak, dream, fret, question, explore and sometimes share things you may never have shared with anyone else (even your closest friends!)-is truly the best investment you can make in yourself.
Just like your friends, Life Coaches care about you and want to see you succeed! But unlike your friends, Life Coaches have the tools, objectivity, and professional training to help get you there.

Embody the Possibilities....in 2012

As we approach the end of the year, it's natural to begin taking a personal inventory of the previous 12 months and what we accomplished, the goals we met, and the challenges that remain before us.

The challenges that remain before us often wind up as bullet points on our New Year's resolutions lists, to (hopefully) be crossed off sometime before the end of NEXT December 31st. I've always scribbled my own New Year's resolutions as bullet points on paper which I then usually tape up somewhere that I know I'll see them on a regular basis (next to my bedroom mirror is good) and be reminded of the promises I've made to myself about my new objectives for the upcoming year.

Generally that works--I'm a list-maker, anyway--and I like crossing off whatever I've accomplished. It gives me a sense of forward-motion, a sense of satisfaction that I'm taking myself seriously, honoring my own wishes, and taking steps to achieve the goals I've set for myself, no matter how modest they might seem to others.

This year, I'm trying something different. As an artistic/creative type, I respond well to visuals and I've always liked making vision boards to visually clarify my objectives. Typically, vision boards require poster board, glue, scissors, loads of old magazines, and a lot of patience (as well as great spatial relations!) I love these sorts of day-long dreamy artistic projects, but don't always have the time to sit and do them. So I researched online vision boards and came across the "O Dream Board," an offering on Oprah.com which I currently use and enjoy.

I've made two vision boards so far, both of which I've exported to my computer as jpegs that I then set as my computer desktop photo; this way, my Dream Board pops up to remind me of my goals each time I turn my computer on. Below is the first one I made:

Health, romance, creativity, financial abundance and animals (lots of them!) are all a part of my life's vision for myself, and creating a Dream Board is just one (creative) way of manifesting my goals and clarifying my New Year's resolutions. If you're visual, it may be something to experiment with to welcome your own heart's desires in the new year.

So Happy & Abundant New Year! What are your own resolutions/goals/dreams for 2012?

Into the Great Unknown, One Step at a Time

The Only Constant in Life is Change. --Attributable to numerous authors

Last time I posted, I'd recently left my day job with a large company and was preparing for a life (for the immediate foreseeable future) of no schedules, no steady paycheck, and lots ofunknowns. I'm still creating my daily structure, keeping to a fairly tight budget, and taking my days one at a time, staying in the present as much as possible.

It's no secret that I'm in Recovery; the benefits of concurrently working a recovery program along with the coaching are mentioned on my website, and I'm also very forthcoming about the fact I've been in Al-Anon for nearly 6 years, and have benefitted greatly from the fellowship and the application of the tools in my own life (yes, I do my own process work/emotional self-care/psychic maintenance! It improves my outlook and makes me a better Life Coach!)

Shortly after having composed that last Blog entry, however, my life has taken an even greater--unforeseen, unexpected--turn; my father--who will turn 80 on October 1st--was diagnosed with Myelofibrosis, a type of chronic Leukemia. Not a lot is known about Myelofibrosis, since it's relatively rare (which is a good thing), but the symptoms can be brutal, and vary with each patient. One consistency among sufferers is that it can be a roller-coaster, and it's definitely already been a roller-coaster for sure--he went along for a while without too much to report until he was admitted to the hospital for a week with sores on his swollen legs, one of numerous very weird/alarming symptoms of this also weird/alarming disease.

I'm worried about my father, naturally; I am also newly wrapping my brain around the very real fact that cancer has now touched our family, and up until this time, we've all been relatively healthy and affliction-free (knock on wood!)

My parents live down in the SF/Bay Area and I am up here in Portland, Oregon, and the geographical distance makes things harder because family members tend to feel a sense of helplessness when faced with chronic illnesses such as cancer--and geographical distance often exacerbates such feelings. It has for me; hearing "news about dad" second-hand and not being able to physically offer support or see with my own two eyes how the disease has transformed him has been troubling.

So how am I coping with this latest "unknown?" I've upped my self-care exponentially. First, I researched Leukemia, came across the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society (whose local chapter is located within walking distance of where I live in Portland, in fact) and began attending their monthly support groups for general blood cancers, which was a comfort; although I was the only non-ill family member in attendance, hearing the perspectives of the other attendees was very helpful to me.

I also began working with a therapist, specifically, because I noticed I was developing ongoing symptoms of depression that needed to be addressed, such as sleeplessness, weepiness, headaches, lethargy, etc., and felt that a therapeutic approach was necessary in this case (as opposed to life coaching, which is a very different process).

And, of course, I've been mindful of my Recovery program; it's a comfort putting myself in Al-Anon meetings, hearing the shares, and "taking what I want and leaving the rest," as we like to say. And more often than not, the shares are exactly relevant to my head space in that moment, and a gentle/humbling reminder that life presents challenges to every one of us in different ways that are no less vexing than what I'm currently facing.

Other self-care rituals involve camping and hiking (the biorhythm of the outdoors is very calming to me), seeing funny & engaging movies (laughter is amazing medicine!), attending church more often, taking long walks, communing with my two cats (petting silky cat fur is instantly soothing--not to mention, they're great objective listeners!), talking to trusted friends, and calling my family much more often; hearing my father's voice--and sharing my concerns, fears and feelings with the rest of the family--is also invaluable.

Yes, life throws us curve balls--even when we may feel like we already have enough on our plates to manage; that's how it goes sometimes. The best thing we can do is center, seek appropriate support (all different kinds), let our authentic feelings surface and honor them all, up our self-care tremendously (yes, FUN is a necessary piece of that!) and stay in the present moment as much as possible.

And, as another Recovery slogan reminds us, "This, too shall pass."

What does your self-care look like?

##

A Little Bit About Transition....

Last time I blogged, I was on the verge of leaving the familiar comforts of my long-outgrown contractual day job and preparing to step into the Great Unknown.

My last day with the company for whom I'd been contracting for over 3 years was Friday, April 29th, and I had hoped to slip out of there with little fanfare. As an introvert (and in spite of the MFA in theater I have), I'm not always comfortable with being in the spotlight or having much attention paid me (my focus was writing, after all), especially in moments that have the potential for great gobs of emotion; despite how I felt about the job (bored, static, frustrated, unsupported), this was one of those moments.

A few days before my departure, I was presented with a generous gift card to a favorite natural grocery store, fresh oatmeal cookies from the store's bakery, and a thoughtful "Farewell & Good Luck!" card signed by everyone I'd worked with the past 3+ years. Naturally, I felt a well of emotion (though I didn't spill any tears!), and a surge of gratitude.

One of my goals in making this capital-T Transition was to leave my day job with integrity--which meant NOT burning any bridges, and leaving my connections there intact, no matter how I groused and felt about the place. My feelings about my work are MY business; my relationships with my co-workers, however, involved another person, and that is what I reminded myself needed to be honored and held lightly and carefully. I was leaving FOR ME, not "because of them." It's a difference of mindset that makes all the difference.

So now, I am more than 1.5 months out of the structure of a day job; I create my own structure on a daily basis, which can be unnerving; I am also living on a very careful budget, which takes planning and mindfulness, but it's been a good (albeit challenging) exercise. The bottom line is, my needs are being met. I have shelter. I have food. I can pay my bills. I see my friends. I enjoy nature. My health is great. I am okay.

I have also been blessed with time to research my own Next Best Move (coaches get to use their own tools!); I've done two informational interviews with Human Resources professionals, since there is much about that field that compliments the profession of Life Coaching; I've attended an HR Open House at a local college that grants professional certifications and rekindled some connections; I've researched funding options for the training; I've attended career search workshops. And I've had the time to maintain my own health & well-being with more Al-Anon meetings and hilly 3-mile morning walks (kicking in those surges of positive endorphins!).

Why am I writing all this? To remind you, my dear reader, that Life Coaches are, first and foremost, people who also experience many of the same circumstances and issues in our own lives that our clients bring to us for exploration and processing. Many of my clients come to me because they are facing or starting transitions of their own--something is about to end or has already ended, the "New Thing" (whatever that may be) has not yet begun--and they're smack in the middle of it, smack in the middle of The Great Unknown without a compass, disoriented, without focus, without an identifying label, and maybe a bit (or a lot) fearful. It can be terrifying.....and it can also be profoundly liberating.

What have you always wanted to try/explore/develop/create that you told yourself that--because of the hours/focus/attention your day job took, you didn't have time for? What do you truly value that you'd like to honor in your life (i.e., starting a small vegetable garden, volunteering at an animal shelter, cooking from scratch, writing the Great American Novel)? Now is the time to leap; now is the time to explore; now is the time to expand your horizons and become the person you've back-burnered for so many other reasons.

Transitions provide a lot of things: fear, upheaval, uncertainty. Transitions are akin to someone (The Universe, or ourselves) taking our plates with both hands and flicking them sharply skyward saying, "WHEEEEE!!!!", so that that the contents scatter and disperse. We have no idea, after that happens, what our "new" plates will hold, or what will land on them.

There is no new meal, not yet. Our plates are empty. This is what transition means.

But on the flip side, they provide new opportunities, boundary-less thinking (i.e., time to "think outside the box"), enormous possibilities, and the precious TIME-perhaps the biggest gift of all-to explore what's out in the world for us to see/do/become/experience.

Transitions occur for everyone, numerous times-whether they happen TO us or we create them ourselves (as I did when I left my day job). Yes, our plates have been cleared; it is just us and the expanse of far horizon. And truly limitless possibilities.

As the poet Mary Oliver writes, "Tell me, what is it you plan to do/with your one wild and precious life?"

Well?