Friends vs. Coaches

Sometimes, when a potential client is talking to me on the phone, thinking out loud about the benefits of coaching and if those benefits outweigh the investment in time, energy and-yes-money, they'll mention that they often seek the counsel of their friends, enjoying long conversations about their lives, their concerns, the confusion dotting their personal landscapes. They love their friends, and from what I gather, their friends love them back-and serve a very important purpose: they're sounding boards.
We turn to our friends when life starts feeling overwhelming, or a little rough, or a little frustrating, or a little (or a LOT) sad. We turn to friends to celebrate our successes-to hold our hands (emotionally, and even literally) when we're anxious about something. We rely on our friends to be there for us throughout life's transitions, to hold space for our stories without judging (too harshly, if at all), and to tell us everything's going to be okay.
Or even just to listen, with no feedback whatsoever. Just to listen. Just to receive.
And yes, that is invaluable. That is precious. That is to be celebrated. It's a natural response.

But it's not the same as coaching.
Life Coaches listen, yes. We never judge. And while we are sometimes considered "cheerleaders" and naturally hold gentle space for your highest aspirations and biggest dreams, we don't necessarily tell you everything's going to be okay. We assume it will be-and we help you fortify your own inner strength, resources and resolve so that you KNOW-unequivocally, with every cell of your being-that "it" (whatever "it" is) WILL be okay. Because that deep inner knowledge is what will continually fuel your desire to succeed, to achieve, and to meet your long-held goals and dreams head-on, come what may.
Yes, we listen to your frustrations-and help you think of solutions so that you may begin to experience less frustration.
Life Coaches are an "objective other"-professionals trained to listen in a special way so that our feedback is always meaningful, constructive and motivating. We come armed with coaching tools & a sense of compassion, but don't know anything about our clients' lives prior to their soliciting us for our services beyond what our clients choose to share with us as we get to know them better. Life Coaches are working with an otherwise blank slate, and as our clients begin to illuminate their lives, we begin developing a complete picture of the person with whom we're speaking, and offer guidance based on that.
Our friends, on the other hand, may have years of history with us, which is why their feedback is often not objective. They may reply to us by saying things such as, "But you ALWAYS say that" or "you ALWAYS wanted to do that" or "You ALWAYS talk about x-y-z" which isn't helpful to us if what we're wanting is something more constructive. It may make us feel uneasy, embarrassed, confused, unaccomplished.
A Life Coach might say, "What do you think is keeping you from meeting that goal right now?" There is nothing accusatory-just gently questioning.
And in this way, the Life Coach enables the client to begin unraveling the knots in her life and move down the road, identifying stopping blocks on her path and putting them aside for good so that her dreams may finally come into clear focus and become realized in her lifetime.
There should be no question that our friends want the best for us (if we question this, we need to ask ourselves why they're still our friends!), but we must remember that they also have their OWN lives & dreams to manage/nurture/explore/grow. It's not realistic to expect our friends to want to invest a huge amount of time in our own lives-that's OUR "side of the street" to manage. That's our work.  Our friends may care, but it's up to US to care MORE.
So our friends will always serve a very meaningful purpose in our lives, and we love them for that.
But for deeper work, transformational work, truly life-changing work that allows us to examine our limiting beliefs and become unstuck, a professional Life Coach-who will listen objectively for an hour as you speak, dream, fret, question, explore and sometimes share things you may never have shared with anyone else (even your closest friends!)-is truly the best investment you can make in yourself.
Just like your friends, Life Coaches care about you and want to see you succeed! But unlike your friends, Life Coaches have the tools, objectivity, and professional training to help get you there.

It's the Small Things...

As a Professional Life Coach, I'm really big on rapport; that's apparent from my last blog entry. I'm also really big on the little things that Life Coaches can do for their clients to nurture and sustain their working relationship for the length of time that they HAVE a working relationship--whether it be for 1 session, 1 month, 3 months, or longer.

One way I nurture a working relationship is by having an "open door" policy for my clients as we coach, which means when my client and I have finished our scheduled weekly meeting, they're also welcome to continually check in with me as desired via phone or email as new thoughts, perspectives, and potential "aha!'s" occur. Yes, my clients pay me for my time as their Life Coach in one-hour increments; but when we're done with that week's meeting and have turned our attention to other tasks in our respective lives, I want them to know their coach is still in the universe with their best interests in mind and cheering them on in absentia.

Does this take up a lot of valuable time? Not at all. I have never received a phone call in the wee hours (I'd be asleep anyway!) nor have any of my clients abused the privilege and locked up my in-box with a plethora of emails. I always appreciate hearing from them and knowing how they're doing and what's been working for them in-between our meetings. Of course, not all my clients need or want this extra support; it's not their style to continue processing after we've finished our hour, and often, one meeting a week is enough (processing and making significant changes in our lives--even those changes that we want and which excite us--can be hard and tiring work!) But for others, it's useful and meaningful. And that's fine.

For example, after one of my coaching sessions, a client of mine emailed me a poem that resonated with her; in return, I sent her a poem that seemed to speak to where she was on her journey of self-awareness (good for rapport!). She also liked to leave occasional voicemails updating me on her weekly progress and the regular discoveries she was making about her strengths and her life, and I always appreciated receiving them. It wasn't always necessary to call her back because often, her updates were simply FYIs until our next meeting.

A few weeks after my poem-sending client finished out her contract with me, I received another lengthy email from her updating me on her new job. She sounded very happy and wanted to share the good news with her former Life Coach, and I was happy to share in her excitement and felt like a proud parent reading her update, since a new job was a personal goal that she had met.

It's a sincere honor to be gifted with the significant life-altering details of my clients' lives, and I take their journeys just as seriously as they do.

So although keeping an open door between meetings is a personal preference--doing it or not doing it is neither right nor wrong--for me personally, the tidbits that are shared are just one more wonderful aspect of being a Professional Life Coach (and there are so many!)

A small thing, really, that's actually pretty big.

Big Thinking

We Life Coaches often use a particular question (or variation thereof) to encourage our clients to think BIG about their lives and move past the fear and uncertainty that tends to hold them back from fully and joyfully experiencing an authentic, values-driven and well-lived life with few regrets.

The question is, "If you could do anything you wanted--anything at all--and money (or any other considerations/responsibilities/commitments) were of no concern, what is it you would DO?"

What picture pops into your mind? Where are you? What are you doing? How are you living?

I was asked this question last night as I sat talking with two other Life Coach friends, and I went with my first impression (because I have discovered that sometimes, first impressions/thoughts are the most accurate & truthful), which involved warm weather in some tropical locale with all of my friends and my beloved pets around me. That was what I came up with and that's what I wanted, in that moment of thinking big. Remember, money, time, and any other considerations--such as my friends' abilities to join me and their own responsibilities, etc.--were of no object to my personal vision; it's about letting go of "practical" constraints and allowing our dreams--which must start somewhere, with some "big thinking"--to take hold of us so that we may pursue them--or parts of them--in our lifetimes.



It's easy to believe that this "big thinking" is a waste of time and we write off whatever we come up with as daydreams or perhaps possible options only AFTER we retire from our "regular" lives, jobs and responsibilities. "When the kids are grown," we say. Or, "When I've paid off my debt." Or, "I have pets, they're too hard to travel with." Or simply, "It's just not PRACTICAL."

What do you tell yourself about your own "big thinking?" What are the beliefs that keep you stuck?

Often, we wait until we come face-to-face with the starkest reminders that our lives are a short gift; we wait until we, or someone we love, is very sick, and--understanding that we (or they) are faced with a limited amount of time, only then begin exploring our lives and doing everything we've always wanted to do, all the on-hold dreams and experiences we've told ourselves we'd "someday" do. Time becomes the precious motivator we need to "think big," especially when our "somedays" are suddenly limited in a way we had not foreseen.

I've always wondered why it takes such dire reminders to finally force us into action. I also know, as a human being first and a Certified Professional Coach (CPC) second, that I, too, need to walk the walk and not just "talk the talk" with my clients. I, too, need to always remind myself that my dance on this earth, in this precious lifetime, is a short one, and to continue my own "big thinking" in pursuit of my own authentic, values-driven and well-lived life.