Friends vs. Coaches

Sometimes, when a potential client is talking to me on the phone, thinking out loud about the benefits of coaching and if those benefits outweigh the investment in time, energy and-yes-money, they'll mention that they often seek the counsel of their friends, enjoying long conversations about their lives, their concerns, the confusion dotting their personal landscapes. They love their friends, and from what I gather, their friends love them back-and serve a very important purpose: they're sounding boards.
We turn to our friends when life starts feeling overwhelming, or a little rough, or a little frustrating, or a little (or a LOT) sad. We turn to friends to celebrate our successes-to hold our hands (emotionally, and even literally) when we're anxious about something. We rely on our friends to be there for us throughout life's transitions, to hold space for our stories without judging (too harshly, if at all), and to tell us everything's going to be okay.
Or even just to listen, with no feedback whatsoever. Just to listen. Just to receive.
And yes, that is invaluable. That is precious. That is to be celebrated. It's a natural response.

But it's not the same as coaching.
Life Coaches listen, yes. We never judge. And while we are sometimes considered "cheerleaders" and naturally hold gentle space for your highest aspirations and biggest dreams, we don't necessarily tell you everything's going to be okay. We assume it will be-and we help you fortify your own inner strength, resources and resolve so that you KNOW-unequivocally, with every cell of your being-that "it" (whatever "it" is) WILL be okay. Because that deep inner knowledge is what will continually fuel your desire to succeed, to achieve, and to meet your long-held goals and dreams head-on, come what may.
Yes, we listen to your frustrations-and help you think of solutions so that you may begin to experience less frustration.
Life Coaches are an "objective other"-professionals trained to listen in a special way so that our feedback is always meaningful, constructive and motivating. We come armed with coaching tools & a sense of compassion, but don't know anything about our clients' lives prior to their soliciting us for our services beyond what our clients choose to share with us as we get to know them better. Life Coaches are working with an otherwise blank slate, and as our clients begin to illuminate their lives, we begin developing a complete picture of the person with whom we're speaking, and offer guidance based on that.
Our friends, on the other hand, may have years of history with us, which is why their feedback is often not objective. They may reply to us by saying things such as, "But you ALWAYS say that" or "you ALWAYS wanted to do that" or "You ALWAYS talk about x-y-z" which isn't helpful to us if what we're wanting is something more constructive. It may make us feel uneasy, embarrassed, confused, unaccomplished.
A Life Coach might say, "What do you think is keeping you from meeting that goal right now?" There is nothing accusatory-just gently questioning.
And in this way, the Life Coach enables the client to begin unraveling the knots in her life and move down the road, identifying stopping blocks on her path and putting them aside for good so that her dreams may finally come into clear focus and become realized in her lifetime.
There should be no question that our friends want the best for us (if we question this, we need to ask ourselves why they're still our friends!), but we must remember that they also have their OWN lives & dreams to manage/nurture/explore/grow. It's not realistic to expect our friends to want to invest a huge amount of time in our own lives-that's OUR "side of the street" to manage. That's our work.  Our friends may care, but it's up to US to care MORE.
So our friends will always serve a very meaningful purpose in our lives, and we love them for that.
But for deeper work, transformational work, truly life-changing work that allows us to examine our limiting beliefs and become unstuck, a professional Life Coach-who will listen objectively for an hour as you speak, dream, fret, question, explore and sometimes share things you may never have shared with anyone else (even your closest friends!)-is truly the best investment you can make in yourself.
Just like your friends, Life Coaches care about you and want to see you succeed! But unlike your friends, Life Coaches have the tools, objectivity, and professional training to help get you there.

Into the Great Unknown, One Step at a Time

The Only Constant in Life is Change. --Attributable to numerous authors

Last time I posted, I'd recently left my day job with a large company and was preparing for a life (for the immediate foreseeable future) of no schedules, no steady paycheck, and lots ofunknowns. I'm still creating my daily structure, keeping to a fairly tight budget, and taking my days one at a time, staying in the present as much as possible.

It's no secret that I'm in Recovery; the benefits of concurrently working a recovery program along with the coaching are mentioned on my website, and I'm also very forthcoming about the fact I've been in Al-Anon for nearly 6 years, and have benefitted greatly from the fellowship and the application of the tools in my own life (yes, I do my own process work/emotional self-care/psychic maintenance! It improves my outlook and makes me a better Life Coach!)

Shortly after having composed that last Blog entry, however, my life has taken an even greater--unforeseen, unexpected--turn; my father--who will turn 80 on October 1st--was diagnosed with Myelofibrosis, a type of chronic Leukemia. Not a lot is known about Myelofibrosis, since it's relatively rare (which is a good thing), but the symptoms can be brutal, and vary with each patient. One consistency among sufferers is that it can be a roller-coaster, and it's definitely already been a roller-coaster for sure--he went along for a while without too much to report until he was admitted to the hospital for a week with sores on his swollen legs, one of numerous very weird/alarming symptoms of this also weird/alarming disease.

I'm worried about my father, naturally; I am also newly wrapping my brain around the very real fact that cancer has now touched our family, and up until this time, we've all been relatively healthy and affliction-free (knock on wood!)

My parents live down in the SF/Bay Area and I am up here in Portland, Oregon, and the geographical distance makes things harder because family members tend to feel a sense of helplessness when faced with chronic illnesses such as cancer--and geographical distance often exacerbates such feelings. It has for me; hearing "news about dad" second-hand and not being able to physically offer support or see with my own two eyes how the disease has transformed him has been troubling.

So how am I coping with this latest "unknown?" I've upped my self-care exponentially. First, I researched Leukemia, came across the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society (whose local chapter is located within walking distance of where I live in Portland, in fact) and began attending their monthly support groups for general blood cancers, which was a comfort; although I was the only non-ill family member in attendance, hearing the perspectives of the other attendees was very helpful to me.

I also began working with a therapist, specifically, because I noticed I was developing ongoing symptoms of depression that needed to be addressed, such as sleeplessness, weepiness, headaches, lethargy, etc., and felt that a therapeutic approach was necessary in this case (as opposed to life coaching, which is a very different process).

And, of course, I've been mindful of my Recovery program; it's a comfort putting myself in Al-Anon meetings, hearing the shares, and "taking what I want and leaving the rest," as we like to say. And more often than not, the shares are exactly relevant to my head space in that moment, and a gentle/humbling reminder that life presents challenges to every one of us in different ways that are no less vexing than what I'm currently facing.

Other self-care rituals involve camping and hiking (the biorhythm of the outdoors is very calming to me), seeing funny & engaging movies (laughter is amazing medicine!), attending church more often, taking long walks, communing with my two cats (petting silky cat fur is instantly soothing--not to mention, they're great objective listeners!), talking to trusted friends, and calling my family much more often; hearing my father's voice--and sharing my concerns, fears and feelings with the rest of the family--is also invaluable.

Yes, life throws us curve balls--even when we may feel like we already have enough on our plates to manage; that's how it goes sometimes. The best thing we can do is center, seek appropriate support (all different kinds), let our authentic feelings surface and honor them all, up our self-care tremendously (yes, FUN is a necessary piece of that!) and stay in the present moment as much as possible.

And, as another Recovery slogan reminds us, "This, too shall pass."

What does your self-care look like?

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A little bit on love (and fear)

I went out by myself on Valentine's Day this year.

I say "this year" because most years I do nothing. I don't "hate" the day, as is generally assumed about most single people at this time of year; in fact, I don't really pay it much attention, except for the candy sales that roll around the day after. I AM aware that my coupled-up friends have their plans, because I usually hear about them when the day has come and gone.

I've been single pretty much my whole life, by choice (and other variables I won't go into here).

I immersed myself in the safety of academic pursuits and when I was through with that, working and ruminating on a career path. I told myself I didn't have time to seek out companionship, and have so far lived my life according to that belief.

But this past Valentine's Day, things changed. Because I wanted them to change. Because I want to rewrite the script that would have me believe I "don't have time" to fit companionship into my life. Whatever has finally shifted and softened in my stubborn, I-can-do-this-life-alone mind set allowed me to Google "Singles Valentine's Day Events Portland Oregon 2011," and what I came up with was a blast.

Singles CPR.

No, not mouth-to-mouth with strangers; we used plastic dummies. But the plastic dummies were in a hotel conference room with about 15 strangers, every one of them probably as nervous as I was.

When I came across the American Red Cross announcement, I was immediately intrigued; here was a Valentine's Day event that didn't involve painful small talk, forced mingling or the need to whip out the frothiest frock I own and put myself out there in a way that made me want to shrivel up and die. It was a PRACTICAL event--which appealed to me greatly. We would be doing something, and that something involved saving lives. Plastic lives, but lives nonetheless.

When the day rolled around, I was anticipatory. Happily excited and a little nervous. I work a recovery (12-step--in this case, Al-Anon) program, and we sometimes refer to the negative keep-you-stuck voices in our heads as "The Sh*tty Committee." My committee had been trying DESPERATELY to talk me out of following through with my V-Day plans for the ensuing two weeks after I'd sent in my $20 registration. "It's cold," they whined. "It's a work night. You'll need to buy a new blouse.....they'll be younger/older than you. It'll be boring. You'll be embarrassed. Wouldn't it be nice just to stay home with the cats?" etc. etc.

I thanked the voices for their input and went anyway.

I have often found that simply putting my body somewhere I want to be--some event, such as this, that my mind would like to dissuade me from attending--is the healthiest, most effective way for me to "follow through" on things. I also know that, as a Life Coach who regularly encourages my clients to take those bold but sometimes scary steps towards making the changes they desire in their own lives, I need to "walk the walk" and not just "talk the talk." I, too, want to make certain changes (such as finding partnership) that involves taking some risks in my life and taking steps that may feel a little....scary. And each time I do, I am encouraged and emboldened in my objective. It's a step in the right direction, even if it's a new direction. Even if there's fear there. Fear doesn't have to keep us stuck, and expecting it not to be part of the changes we want to make is probably unrealistic. Nor is it about "conquering" the fear. It's about honoring it--acknowledging it--and doing what we'd planned to do anyway. This is how we grow. This is how we begin to truly understand what we're capable of, what our values are, what kinds of people we are in the world. Otherwise, everything stays (safely) tucked in the realm of theory.

When all was said and done, I had a marvelous time, chatted with some people, polished my choking & CPR skills, ate some chocolate and drank some wine. And even ended up on the evening news.

One never knows what they're going to get when they finally step out the front door in bold search of their dreams. Surrender. Have ridiculous fun. Honor your fear--don't fight it. Put your body where it needs to be. Show up. And be ready for anything.

Year of the Rabbit

2011.

It's a new year (Year of the Rabbit in the Chinese zodiac).

Do you make New Year's resolutions?

I do. Every December, I draft a kind of "to-do" list for the upcoming year and post it where I can see it (the 2011 list is right next to a mirror on the wall in my bedroom; whenever I look in the mirror to dry my hair or apply my make-up in the morning, I see the list and I'm reminded of of my resolutions).

Some of what I've written are ongoing, such as the recovery-based (I work a 12-step Al-Anon program) resolution that states simply, "I will not accept unacceptable behavior." I like being reminded of this fact, and it leaves a lot of room to reflect on what "unacceptable behavior" looks or feels like, and how I might set boundaries around it when I'm on the receiving end of it.

Some are specific objectives, such as "get contact lenses" (I wear glasses--in fact, I wear "progressive" lenses, which are kinda like bifocals but without then line--or the "I'm getting older!" stigma--and which have taken me practically the entire two years I've had them to get used to them!) which I haven't worn since I was a freshman in college many, many years ago--soft lenses, one of which I ended up losing on the tile bathroom floor of my parent's home and never found, thus ending my relationship with something small, round and plastic that was to be worn closely against my iris. Glasses are much harder to lose, and I didn't want to deal with the washing/soaking anymore. Now, I'm a little older, and--I guess--a little more vain. And my sight keeps changing.

And I've cycled through every glasses style I can think of: chunky plastic, sleek frameless, intellectual wire-rimmed "Gandhi" glasses, giganto early-80's biggie plastic mongo frames (they really were), clip-on sunglasses, etc. Time to change it up and revisit--well, something small & plastic against my iris.

Some of my resolutions have to do with reclaiming beloved, thoroughly enjoyable leisure past times/experiences--i.e., "Go to the theater." I love live theater (I have an MFA in theater, after all), and saw a lot of it at the Guthrie in Minneapolis when I used to live there, and at Portland Center Stage when I first lived here in Portland many years ago.

A few other Life Coach friends suggested other very helpful approaches to setting resolutions; one suggested setting a theme for the year, and I really like that approach (Wellness? Relationships?); another suggested expressing our resolutions in the present tense, as if they're already happening--i.e., "I am seeing more theater," or "I am running 5 miles a day."

These are a few approaches to setting an intention--our resolutions--for the New Year. Journaling and Vision Boards (if you're visually-oriented/creative and like SEEING your objectives in front of you) may also be some very helpful approaches to manifesting the changes you want to make/life you want to live.

A final, important resolution for me is to update this blog regularly once a month--so please check back for other updates/topics of interest!

Happy New Year. And if I may ask, what are your resolutions for 2011--this new Year of the Rabbit?

It's the Small Things...

As a Professional Life Coach, I'm really big on rapport; that's apparent from my last blog entry. I'm also really big on the little things that Life Coaches can do for their clients to nurture and sustain their working relationship for the length of time that they HAVE a working relationship--whether it be for 1 session, 1 month, 3 months, or longer.

One way I nurture a working relationship is by having an "open door" policy for my clients as we coach, which means when my client and I have finished our scheduled weekly meeting, they're also welcome to continually check in with me as desired via phone or email as new thoughts, perspectives, and potential "aha!'s" occur. Yes, my clients pay me for my time as their Life Coach in one-hour increments; but when we're done with that week's meeting and have turned our attention to other tasks in our respective lives, I want them to know their coach is still in the universe with their best interests in mind and cheering them on in absentia.

Does this take up a lot of valuable time? Not at all. I have never received a phone call in the wee hours (I'd be asleep anyway!) nor have any of my clients abused the privilege and locked up my in-box with a plethora of emails. I always appreciate hearing from them and knowing how they're doing and what's been working for them in-between our meetings. Of course, not all my clients need or want this extra support; it's not their style to continue processing after we've finished our hour, and often, one meeting a week is enough (processing and making significant changes in our lives--even those changes that we want and which excite us--can be hard and tiring work!) But for others, it's useful and meaningful. And that's fine.

For example, after one of my coaching sessions, a client of mine emailed me a poem that resonated with her; in return, I sent her a poem that seemed to speak to where she was on her journey of self-awareness (good for rapport!). She also liked to leave occasional voicemails updating me on her weekly progress and the regular discoveries she was making about her strengths and her life, and I always appreciated receiving them. It wasn't always necessary to call her back because often, her updates were simply FYIs until our next meeting.

A few weeks after my poem-sending client finished out her contract with me, I received another lengthy email from her updating me on her new job. She sounded very happy and wanted to share the good news with her former Life Coach, and I was happy to share in her excitement and felt like a proud parent reading her update, since a new job was a personal goal that she had met.

It's a sincere honor to be gifted with the significant life-altering details of my clients' lives, and I take their journeys just as seriously as they do.

So although keeping an open door between meetings is a personal preference--doing it or not doing it is neither right nor wrong--for me personally, the tidbits that are shared are just one more wonderful aspect of being a Professional Life Coach (and there are so many!)

A small thing, really, that's actually pretty big.

Big Thinking

We Life Coaches often use a particular question (or variation thereof) to encourage our clients to think BIG about their lives and move past the fear and uncertainty that tends to hold them back from fully and joyfully experiencing an authentic, values-driven and well-lived life with few regrets.

The question is, "If you could do anything you wanted--anything at all--and money (or any other considerations/responsibilities/commitments) were of no concern, what is it you would DO?"

What picture pops into your mind? Where are you? What are you doing? How are you living?

I was asked this question last night as I sat talking with two other Life Coach friends, and I went with my first impression (because I have discovered that sometimes, first impressions/thoughts are the most accurate & truthful), which involved warm weather in some tropical locale with all of my friends and my beloved pets around me. That was what I came up with and that's what I wanted, in that moment of thinking big. Remember, money, time, and any other considerations--such as my friends' abilities to join me and their own responsibilities, etc.--were of no object to my personal vision; it's about letting go of "practical" constraints and allowing our dreams--which must start somewhere, with some "big thinking"--to take hold of us so that we may pursue them--or parts of them--in our lifetimes.



It's easy to believe that this "big thinking" is a waste of time and we write off whatever we come up with as daydreams or perhaps possible options only AFTER we retire from our "regular" lives, jobs and responsibilities. "When the kids are grown," we say. Or, "When I've paid off my debt." Or, "I have pets, they're too hard to travel with." Or simply, "It's just not PRACTICAL."

What do you tell yourself about your own "big thinking?" What are the beliefs that keep you stuck?

Often, we wait until we come face-to-face with the starkest reminders that our lives are a short gift; we wait until we, or someone we love, is very sick, and--understanding that we (or they) are faced with a limited amount of time, only then begin exploring our lives and doing everything we've always wanted to do, all the on-hold dreams and experiences we've told ourselves we'd "someday" do. Time becomes the precious motivator we need to "think big," especially when our "somedays" are suddenly limited in a way we had not foreseen.

I've always wondered why it takes such dire reminders to finally force us into action. I also know, as a human being first and a Certified Professional Coach (CPC) second, that I, too, need to walk the walk and not just "talk the talk" with my clients. I, too, need to always remind myself that my dance on this earth, in this precious lifetime, is a short one, and to continue my own "big thinking" in pursuit of my own authentic, values-driven and well-lived life.