Light My Fire

Typically, the first thing I do when I get through the front door at the end of another work day (after greeting my two cats) is drop my stuff on the floor and change into shorts and a tee-shirt or sweatpants (if the weather is chillier). Usually, I’m pretty beat—and being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), somewhat over-stimulated by being both around and engaged with people & information all day. All I want to do is (quietly) eat dinner, catch up on the Sunday NY Times, look at shoes on eBay (I find it relaxing—really!) or watch whatever Netflix is waiting for me.

My day job takes it out of me, but I can remind myself it really is only a job—in other words, it’s something I’m doing (for now) from 9-5 to float my life, pay my bills, keep a roof over my head and the kitties in kibble & treats. And it’s something I’ll continue to do until the thing I most love doing—the thing that fires me up, feeds my soul, stokes my curiosity and energizes me—the thing I was meant to do with my life, my “right livelihood”—moves from the realm of part-time work to full-time work.

I’m a Life Coach. I’ve been, in some way, shape or form, a Life Coach pretty much all my life. I was the friend everyone came to for advice who apparently had “TELL ME” emblazoned across my forehead, the one who listened with great patience, empathy and compassion and offered a shoulder to cry on and wisdom probably beyond my years, the one who heard about boyfriends, careers, cross-country moves, families of origin, college, weight loss (and gain), dying pets, physical ailments, and just about anything else life drummed up (and it was a LOT, and varied). The one who preferred long conversations and hearing other people’s stories to just about any other time-filler (except live theater, which is ALSO the unfolding of “other people’s stories” and the reason I got an MFA in playwriting).

Why am I sharing all this? Because when we are practicing our “right livelihood”—when we do what we are meant to do, which also means honoring our Higher Power by tapping into and sharing our true, innate, God-Given gifts/talents with the world around us, as I do when I am coaching—we are, in those moments, truly alive.

As I mentioned, at the end of the day when I return home from my day job, I’m pretty beat. I’ve been up (vertical, yes, though not necessarily awake) since about 6:30 AM and including my commute time, have invested about 12 hours into it, all told. My brain may feel fuzzy, my body fatigued—yet, when I prepare to coach someone for an hour at the end of a long day, either via phone or face-to-face, the day job and the exhaustion magically dissipates and the day and its stressors slip completely away…..and when the coaching hour is up, I am, for all practical purposes and for lack of a better word, high. Just totally, utterly, naturally high. When I am done with a client, I feel happy, re-energized, sure of my path and identity as a Life Coach, empowered, and thrilled that I found my heart’s calling, my alignment, my absolute bliss. Thrilled that I can be paid for doing something I love, and that I get to participate, in a very real sense, in “other people’s stories.”

And when we do what we love, when we’re truly aligned with our work, when we are doing what, on a cellular level, we know we are meant to be doing, when our work fits us like a glove—when it’s a “no-brainer” to be turning our passions or hobbies into our livelihoods (what a concept!), when it feeds us like the amazing feast it can be, we are energized beyond belief—and in turn, we send that positive energy right back out into a hungry and broken world, into the universe at large where it is so desperately needed. By our very satisfied, focused, contented natures, we become “change-makers,” an army of positive thinkers.

So we owe it to ourselves and to the world to find work that charges us up, lights our inner fire, stokes our passion, feeds our deepest values. The exploration it sometimes takes to find out what that may be for each of us, what our true callings may be, is worth the time, energy, journey, and possibly money we spend on our becoming.

As Confucius said, “Find a job you love, and never work a day in your life.”

In what ways does your work feed you?

It's the Small Things...

As a Professional Life Coach, I'm really big on rapport; that's apparent from my last blog entry. I'm also really big on the little things that Life Coaches can do for their clients to nurture and sustain their working relationship for the length of time that they HAVE a working relationship--whether it be for 1 session, 1 month, 3 months, or longer.

One way I nurture a working relationship is by having an "open door" policy for my clients as we coach, which means when my client and I have finished our scheduled weekly meeting, they're also welcome to continually check in with me as desired via phone or email as new thoughts, perspectives, and potential "aha!'s" occur. Yes, my clients pay me for my time as their Life Coach in one-hour increments; but when we're done with that week's meeting and have turned our attention to other tasks in our respective lives, I want them to know their coach is still in the universe with their best interests in mind and cheering them on in absentia.

Does this take up a lot of valuable time? Not at all. I have never received a phone call in the wee hours (I'd be asleep anyway!) nor have any of my clients abused the privilege and locked up my in-box with a plethora of emails. I always appreciate hearing from them and knowing how they're doing and what's been working for them in-between our meetings. Of course, not all my clients need or want this extra support; it's not their style to continue processing after we've finished our hour, and often, one meeting a week is enough (processing and making significant changes in our lives--even those changes that we want and which excite us--can be hard and tiring work!) But for others, it's useful and meaningful. And that's fine.

For example, after one of my coaching sessions, a client of mine emailed me a poem that resonated with her; in return, I sent her a poem that seemed to speak to where she was on her journey of self-awareness (good for rapport!). She also liked to leave occasional voicemails updating me on her weekly progress and the regular discoveries she was making about her strengths and her life, and I always appreciated receiving them. It wasn't always necessary to call her back because often, her updates were simply FYIs until our next meeting.

A few weeks after my poem-sending client finished out her contract with me, I received another lengthy email from her updating me on her new job. She sounded very happy and wanted to share the good news with her former Life Coach, and I was happy to share in her excitement and felt like a proud parent reading her update, since a new job was a personal goal that she had met.

It's a sincere honor to be gifted with the significant life-altering details of my clients' lives, and I take their journeys just as seriously as they do.

So although keeping an open door between meetings is a personal preference--doing it or not doing it is neither right nor wrong--for me personally, the tidbits that are shared are just one more wonderful aspect of being a Professional Life Coach (and there are so many!)

A small thing, really, that's actually pretty big.

Good Hair & the Importance of Rapport

Rapport: "relation; connection, esp. harmonious or sympathetic relation."

Whenever I find that I need to find a new hairdresser--someone who understands a fine-haired, cowlick-y head such as mine and can turn what can be a limp, semi-unruly mess into a cutesy, feminine pixie 'do--I have to shop around a while. Especially after I've uprooted and moved to a new city.

In September 2007, I moved back here to Portland after 6 years in Minneapolis; I only just now--in the last 2 months--found a hairdresser who understands my above criteria beautifully. In fact, when I went for my first cut, the first thing she did (well, the second, after introductions and getting me seated in her chair) was run her hands liberally through my hair, as if she were practicing the fine art of Phrenology.

"I'm looking for cowlicks," she said, matter-of-factly.

In that moment, I felt I'd found my hairdresser.

She "got" me. She got my head, my hair, my cowlicks. We chatted amicably. I really enjoyed the experience (I'm usually fairly "angsty" about my hair, especially with a new hairdresser, and find that I tend to "future-trip" about the outcome rather than settle in and enjoy the transformative process). And I emerged after more than an hour of her careful clipping & snipping with an adorable new cut.

I was, quite literally, in good hands.

Finding a good fit with a Certified Professional Coach (CPC) is similar to the way I established a happy sense of safety and rapport with my hairdresser; while it will likely not take nearly 3 years (if you're really ready to take those life-altering, soul-satisfying Big Leaps into the Life of Your Dreams, you'll want the process of finding and working with a great CPC to move a little more swiftly), it definitely takes deliberation, trusting your intuition, asking lots of questions (yes, you get to "interview" your coach), and gathering references from others who've been coached.


But why is rapport so important?

Simple. If you don't have rapport with your CPC, you won't be getting a complete coaching experience. You won't go as deep and as far as you could in the coaching process, because you won't feel safe, or connected to, or understood. You know how you feel with your very best friend--as if you could tell them anything at all, and they love you anyway, warts and all? That they always have your back? That they always want the best for you, and always want to cheer you on and be active participants in all the good moments of your life? That they're a comfortable, safe haven for you in the world?

You should pretty much feel the same way with any CPC you work with. You should feel welcome; you should feel important, and the way you express yourself should be reflected back to you by your CPC clearly, letting you know in return that they truly "get" your vision and your unique self-expression (this alone can be determined in an initial get-to-know-you phonecall); you should feel championed; you should get a sense of your CPC as a real person, a person first, who truly, authentically loves the process of coaching and always has your best interest in mind. You should feel like everything your CPC reflects back--even if, occasionally, it's hard to hear--comes from a place of authentic support and caring for you and your objectives. Your journey should be as important to your CPC as it is to you.

When we finally decide to seek Life Coaching, it's often because we know deeply that we're ready to make a significant change, and changing anything about our lives (even our hair!) and navigating any roadblocks that may come up in the process can be challenging. Therefore, establishing that safe, comfortable sense of rapport with your CPC (and your hairdresser!) makes the whole process feel better and more safe, more deeply revealing, more alive, and more fun, hence enabling us to grow exponentially, explore without limitations, and become our very best selves.

Big Thinking

We Life Coaches often use a particular question (or variation thereof) to encourage our clients to think BIG about their lives and move past the fear and uncertainty that tends to hold them back from fully and joyfully experiencing an authentic, values-driven and well-lived life with few regrets.

The question is, "If you could do anything you wanted--anything at all--and money (or any other considerations/responsibilities/commitments) were of no concern, what is it you would DO?"

What picture pops into your mind? Where are you? What are you doing? How are you living?

I was asked this question last night as I sat talking with two other Life Coach friends, and I went with my first impression (because I have discovered that sometimes, first impressions/thoughts are the most accurate & truthful), which involved warm weather in some tropical locale with all of my friends and my beloved pets around me. That was what I came up with and that's what I wanted, in that moment of thinking big. Remember, money, time, and any other considerations--such as my friends' abilities to join me and their own responsibilities, etc.--were of no object to my personal vision; it's about letting go of "practical" constraints and allowing our dreams--which must start somewhere, with some "big thinking"--to take hold of us so that we may pursue them--or parts of them--in our lifetimes.



It's easy to believe that this "big thinking" is a waste of time and we write off whatever we come up with as daydreams or perhaps possible options only AFTER we retire from our "regular" lives, jobs and responsibilities. "When the kids are grown," we say. Or, "When I've paid off my debt." Or, "I have pets, they're too hard to travel with." Or simply, "It's just not PRACTICAL."

What do you tell yourself about your own "big thinking?" What are the beliefs that keep you stuck?

Often, we wait until we come face-to-face with the starkest reminders that our lives are a short gift; we wait until we, or someone we love, is very sick, and--understanding that we (or they) are faced with a limited amount of time, only then begin exploring our lives and doing everything we've always wanted to do, all the on-hold dreams and experiences we've told ourselves we'd "someday" do. Time becomes the precious motivator we need to "think big," especially when our "somedays" are suddenly limited in a way we had not foreseen.

I've always wondered why it takes such dire reminders to finally force us into action. I also know, as a human being first and a Certified Professional Coach (CPC) second, that I, too, need to walk the walk and not just "talk the talk" with my clients. I, too, need to always remind myself that my dance on this earth, in this precious lifetime, is a short one, and to continue my own "big thinking" in pursuit of my own authentic, values-driven and well-lived life.

Embody!

Just an FYI that I've linked this blog to my website, www.embodylifecoaching.com.

The website represents my Life Coaching business; this blog is an offshoot, really--meant to be an ongoing conversation about the Intuitive Eating journey.

Enjoy both!

~CCW

We eat because.....

....it's noon and you "always" eat at noon. Or it's "dinner time" (and what actual time might that be, anyway? 5 PM? 6 PM? 7, 8, 9 PM??) and you haven't gotten hungry yet but you "should" before it gets any later.

Intuitive Eating is about experimenting. What would happen if--when we're not really hungry, or we're not sure we're hungry--we just didn't eat? No matter that the clock indicates it may be mealtime? What would happen if we let our stomachs (and other unmistakable physical sensations) indicate for us when it's time to eat? Something to consider.

....it's there in front of you. Like at a party. (Suggestion: Just let it be there in front of you, without attachment. It's kinda....Zen: "There is food, on the table." It just is. Be okay noticing it, without judgment or attachment.)

....someone offers you something; this includes physically bringing it to you, which is generally a gesture of kindness. You can thank them for their thoughtfulness, but you don't have to eat it if you're not hungry or it's not appealing to you. They will like you/love you anyway if you want to hold off until later. And if they don't....you might remember that it's their issue, not yours. This can be a hard one. Pressure to eat--subtle and overt--comes in numerous ways and in numerous circumstances, and in many cultures, is synonymous with participation. Company functions are a good example. I work for a company that likes to acknowledge birthdays, and sometimes it seems that we're having treats every single week. Sometimes, the treats aren't interesting, and if they're politely declined, much chatter ensues, much speculation, as to why it's being turned down. There may be gasps. There may be shocked verbal protests. There may even be alarm, by almost everyone, and then ensuing commentary about how that one declining individual must be very strong and have a lot of willpower to turn down such a delicious offering and, my goodness, I should have such willpower but alas, just look at me. I'm weak. I'm indulging. I have no self-control, etc.....

When it comes to matters of food and eating, gently remind yourself that you have choices--always--AND, you do not have to please anyone else or their perception of how you should act or what you should be doing. The only person you need to please is yourself. And the only voice you need to pay attention to is that of your body's always-wise hunger cues.
Let everything else dissipate into extraneous, irrelevant chatter. It doesn't need to concern you.

...you can't stand to waste food, and there's a lot left on your plate and you paid for it, or you were served a giant portion and don't want to offend the host. Ask the host if you can take it home. Ask the waitress for a to-go container. Solutions!

.....you're not done enjoying the very flavor of it in on your tastebuds and you don't really want to stop the enjoyment, even though you're absolutely, positively full. Sure, it tastes good now--but it will taste good later, too. So ask for a take-out container and continue the enjoyment some other time.

....it's on sale or was a good deal. Good deals don't mean great food. Ask yourself: "Is this food a "hummer" for me? Do I really, really like the taste, texture, smell, nutritional value, how it makes my body feel when I eat it? Does it unequivocally rock my world?" Or was it 10 for a dollar and too good a deal to pass up? (Hint: Go for the "hummer" quality. You're worth it and your satisfaction/enjoyment quotient will go through the roof.)

...someone else is paying (or it's a "freebie," such as a supermarket sample) so why not? In these circumstances, a taste is always fine. Go ahead! You get to decide what works for you. But if your thinking goes something like, "Well, I may not come around this way again and it's free so I should try some--though I'm really not hungry...." you're not obligated to taste. You can. Or you don't have to. Again, options! and while you're at it, don't "should" on yourself. There are no "should's" in Intuitive Eating. Suggestions, yes. Remember, this is not a diet. And diets have "should's."

...you're procrastinating. You know you need to get X, Y & Z done, but gosh....it's more fun to poke around in the fridge...or the back of the cabinet.....or whomp up a brownie mix and lick the batter...(eating only delays the inevitable, if indeed X, Y & Z really DO need to get done. These tasks/chores/obligations, etc. will still be there, waiting patiently for completion, when you're finished procrastinating. Just sayin'.)

All of the above scenarious--and even more I haven't thought of or listed here--can challenge our Intuitive Eating (IE) practices. We always get to decide what works best for us when it comes to eating--there are no hard & fast "rules," because it's not a diet. But if you stay present and stay in touch with what feels right, what feels authentic, what feels appropriate for you and your hunger, when you let your body speak to you and you honor it in return with careful, mindful listening--then you will know when the right time is to eat, and you will also know when the right time is to stop eating.

It's pretty simple, really.

The bonus? You will enjoy your food much, much more.

This Blog

I've had the idea for an Intuitive Eating blog for some time now, and I'm finally getting it launched. This is the maiden post.
A little personal background: I'm a Diet Survivor. When I hit adolescence and my body began changing, I went on my first (screwy) diet. I think it was something like eggs and grapefruit, I can't quite remember. I DO remember picking up a little diet booklet at the supermarket that showed a very leggy, slender woman in short-shorts standing on a scale and staring down, happily (I guess she liked what she saw).
Never mind that I was about 11 and she was probably in her early twenties. THAT was how I thought I needed to look (and also like Brooke Shields in her Calvins--she was, after all, the hot commodity teen at the time). It was enough to influence me to buy the booklet, and I believed--instantly--the visual message: if I follow this diet, if I do what it says, I will look exactly like that. Slender, leggy, happy. I will be happy. If I am hard on myself, if I withhold, if I struggle, if I have discipline, I will be happy.
Well, it didn't quite work out that way. More than 30 years later, I remember my growing adolescent body craving food, more food, more sustenance. I was hungry, I was, effectively, starving myself, and all I could think about was more food. Dieting had the exact opposite affect: I became even more obsessive about food. I was growing, and my body needed it, but I didn't know that. I just thought I needed better self-control, which in turn established a damaging belief system that I was weak, I succumbed too easily, I had no discipline, I was a failure.
At something as supposedly simple as sticking to a grapefruit-and-egg diet.
Loser.
But not in the way I wanted to be.
So that's my early, early dieting background. There were many, many more attempts, which I'll subsequently post. It's been a long, strange journey but I am happy to say I have emerged wiser and more empathetic as a result of my former life as a Chronic Dieter.
Diets do not work. That is the bottom line. They are not about nourishment, they are about getting thin (being in a perpetual state of semi-starvation will do that, after all) and a response to unrealistic cultural dictates that do enormous damage by establishing a vicious cycle of restrictive eating that in turn leads to struggle, compulsiveness (dieting makes us fixate even more on food) and self-loathing, and more negative self-talk and renewed promises--for more of the same: "I'm eating this today, because tomorrow, I'm really going to be good."
Intuitive eating is win-win. It's all about letting go of tyranny and moving into a place of abundance, nourishment, self-awareness, and what is really important to each of us. It is about honoring ourselves and our passions. It is about letting go of fear and embracing trust. And this is what it means to live our lives. And that's powerful.
We are not meant to spend our lives dieting; we are meant to spend our lives living.
But it is a true joy. And if you're reading these words, I hope it means you've been looking for a better way. A non-diet way. A loving way.
By all means. Join me on this good journey.
And welcome.